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Tome Skewer

 
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With powerful cards like Emrakul, the Aeons Torn and Wurmcoil Engine, it almost seems like a joke that creatures like Mountain Goat exist. While the R&D team at Wizards makes their own fun (Unglued, Unhinged, and Squirrel Mob), some cards need a little overhaul to be made fun of.

Gideon’s Lawkeeper, which provides order and combos nicely with Gideon’s Avenger and the planeswalker himself, does so much more for his master’s curb appeal as:

Gideon's Lawnkeeper

Truly, the proper maintenance of one’s yard can make the difference between living on the open Plains and deep in the tangles of the Forest. Something tells me that whip is going to make trimming edges a breeze.


Investigative journalism has led me to uncover what may be among the largest scandals in Magic: The Gathering history. There is a sinister reason behind the unparalleled productivity of the workshops and workshopsfactories owned by Mishra, Artificer Prodigy. Interviews with several Assembly Workers have revealed:

Mishra's Sweatshop

“We only make baubles and groundbreakers at this location and my Assembly Workers get plus one plus one every shift,” said Mishra of his factory. “If you want a story, look into my brother’s work!”

Yeah, we make baubles here,” said an Assembly Worker, 2/2, who wished to remain anonymous. “People keep sacrificing them and we have to keep making them. The helix is the only thing Mishra makes that really works, everything else is pretty much guaranteed to break before your next upkeep. I have to go back to work.”

More on this tragic story as it develops.


When you live in the city, riding the wind isn’t always an option, especially with pollution and hordes of pigeons to consider. Sometimes, there is an easier way:

Busrider Eel

With the traffic as bad as it is somedays, most flying eels don’t have the time to sit around and wait for a Knight of Cliffhaven to come and direct them into battle.


I imagine you’re seeing a theme of bad puns and wordplay. Don’t worry, there’s more to it than that.

Condescend

“Isn’t Condescend already a Magic card?” you ask. Of course it is, but have you ever played that card and about four other counterspells in a game? Ever countered a counter with a counter that prevented your opponent from putting a counter on a creature? Often, when you’ve stopped the better part of your opponent’s spells from ever leaving the stack, there will be some tension. They’ll whine that they hate blue and counterspells and control decks for the first few counters, then they’ll switch tactics, hoping some obscure rule exists that limits the number of counterspells you can cast in a game. At this point, there are a few options: one, find another group to play with; two, just tell the player to suck it up and deal with it (and they’ll accuse you of cheating); or three, direct their attention to both parts of rule 701.5: “701.5a To counter a spell or ability means to cancel it, removing it from the stack. It doesn’t resolve and none of its effects occur. A countered spell is put into its owner’s graveyard” and “701.5b The player who cast a countered spell or activated a countered ability doesn’t get a ‘refund’ of any costs that were paid.”


Ancestral Recall is arguably one of the most useful cards in all of MTG (especially if you’re just about to win via milling or have just done a little scrying). But do you ever get the feeling that something was wrong when they printed this card? Ever get the idea that this card was meant to be something else, someone else?

Total Recall

There he is, Arnold. I’d always expected him to show up on The Brute, Muscle Burst, or Keldon Warlord. Useless as this card is, unless you’re saving a creature from a “kill target Duck” type spell, the ability to change an opponent’s Doomgape or Lord of Tresserhorn into Douglas Quaid would be worth it to me. Now that I think about it, at the rate he’s going, Arnold just might end up looking like Lord of Tresserhorn in another twenty years. Regardless, getting a Douglas Quaid on the battlefield and pitting him against Nefashu, which looks like Kuato might pop out of it at any moment, or an Icatian Moneychanger, who could easily stand in for Cohagen, would really bring together the whole Total Recall thing. Now if we can just use an Archaeological Dig to cast Pit Fight, we’ll be in flavor heaven. Oh, and Richter will have to have his arms torn off before the party.


Is there a parody card you want to see on the next set? Maybe a Skewer Nemesis or Star Wars Invoker or a Mountain Goat? There’s almost 14,000 different cards in MTG; I’m sure you’ll come up with something.


Author: Chris Curtis
 

 

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