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Magic: The Gathering: The Movie: The Planeswalkening?

 
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Pro tip: One can never have too many colons.
 
So, as I’m sure you’ve heard, there’s an MtG movie in the works. 
 
To be fair, this isn’t exactly unprecedented
 
At the helm of this movie is one Simon Kinberg, who worked on a number of movies that I thoroughly enjoyed. 
 
Before we go any further, I have to admit something to you – I have terrible taste in movies. In my heart of hearts lies a certain weakness for campy action movies with giant plot holes and bad dialog in them (e.g., I was super excited about watching that Jeremy Renner Hansel and Gretel movie with the 54% Rotten Tomatoes rating that was recently added to Netflix’s streaming service and, just so you know, I LIKED IT). We’re all nerds here (and on the internet) ─ don’t you judge me. (Ha.) 
 
Basically, if I think a movie’s bad, it’s abysmal.
 
Annnnd, back on track. Based on what I know about the MtG movie and the intellectual property, I have a few ideas as to what the movie should be about. And, now knowing what you know about what kinds of movies I like, you should pray to whatever your deity of choice is (Richard Garfield?) that I’m wrong.
 
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Plot 1 – The Business Decision:
 
Low budget. Guaranteed profit. Go Pro shaky-cam work. Spend two hours watching people open boosters. Because suspense!
 
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Plot 2 – Mainstream’d:
 
This movie isn’t for the MtG niche anymore. And, they’ve picked the most unlikely set to base the entire thing off of. It’s Unhinged The Movie. And, of course, Megan Fox IS Chandra. Yeah. Michael Bay could shoot this sucker in a week.
 
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Plot 3 – IRL:
 
Undead monsters rise from the Swamps to battle mythical angels from the vast Plains. Two Planeswalkers decimate the land in intense battles for supremacy. As they glare into each other’s smoldering eyes, one growls, “Wait. I want to cast something in my pre-combat phase. Just let me look through my hand…” 
 
Action! Adventure! Accuracy! For the fans! Thrilling, no?
 
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Plot 4 – The Epic:
 
IN A WORLD where there are books, comics and thousands of cards related to the MtG multiverse, a movie is created to cover every piece of lore to satisfy every fan of the game ever. This tale is so long that the director transforms one movie into the Inevitable Trilogy and singlehandedly makes the Intermission popular again.
 
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Plot 5 – Most Likely To Succeed:
 
“What in the world?” Joe Everyman asks.
 
“Not world, multiverse,” he’s corrected by the Higher Being who pulls him off the street.
 
Suddenly, Joe finds himself in a situation he can’t even fathom. The world is depending on him and he must train to become a Planeswalker. 
 
Follow Joe’s shenanigans as he struggles through his Planeswalker education. As the Everyman, he’s goofy, insecure and everyone around him doubts him. He’s anything BUT Planeswalker material… until something implausibly dramatic happens and, finally and at the last possible moment, he FINDS HIS INNER SPARK. Yadda yadda. Starring Tobey Maguire.
 
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And, there you have it ─ my ideas for the MtG movie. 
 
Or, y’know, it could actually be good.
 
Anyone else excited about it? 
 
What do you think it’s gonna be about?

Author: Mari Tokuda
 

 

Comments on "Magic: The Gathering: The Movie: The Planeswalkening?"

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Author: Jeremy Houser

Date: February 02, 2014

Comment:

Please don't raise your children to be screenwriters or writers in general.

Unless they write for Adam West-esque Batman movies.